Rambling Thoughts

Right now I have a lot of random thoughts that I just need to get out. Don't expect this post to all tie together. It won't. It's just feelings I need to get written down.

Tanzi is not gaining weight. At one point we talked about starting her on a fortifier. Then a lactation specialist came to talk to me. She said that maybe it would help Tanzi gain weight if we only fed her my hind milk and not any fore milk. The specialist reassured me that this would be fine since I am producing "an abundance of milk". She told me that by the time Tanzi was 2 weeks old I should be pumping 24 ounces in a 24 hour period. I pump more than twice that amount.

Great. It's official. I'm a cow.

And Tanzi only eats approximately 12 ounces in a 24 hour period. (I have pumped that much in one pumping before!!) Since we can only keep 2 buckets of milk in the freezer at the hospital, our freezer here at home is really filling up quickly! Thank goodness we bought that deep freeze about a month ago, otherwise the freezer in our house would have nothing in it but breast milk.

This morning when I called to check on Tanzi the nurse told me she lost weight...again....and we may still need to start her on a fortifier, to give her more calories. I asked her if we could wait just a couple more days to see if my hind milk would make a difference. She said that since she has been getting my hind milk for 2 days already and still lost weight we will probably need to get her on the fortifier soon, but she said she would ask the MD about it. I wonder what ever came of that. I'll have to ask them tomorrow.

I have decided that by the time the weekend comes around I am so physically and emotionally drained I can barely see straight! Then I remember what my original plan was. I was going to have my baby and go home. Gary would take a week off work and when the baby was sleeping he could play with Kyri and Graysen and I could get in a little nap. Then when Gary went back to work my mom would come for a week or so. And when the baby was sleeping my mom could play with Kyri and Gray and I could take a little nap. And by the time the 2 weeks were over I would be feeling rested and recovered and could get on with life with 3 kids at home. Well, life didn't go quite as I planned. And here I am...a tired, emotional, basket case.

And I get home from the hospital or I get the kids in bed and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like cleaning or doing laundry. Nothing. So I don't. I just go pump. But then I feel like a really bad mother and wife and I get up and put some laundry in the wash. I won't be surprised if it sits in the washer for a couple days before I have the motivation to get around to it again.

I love being able to go to the hospital to spend time with Tanzi. But every time I'm there I feel incredibly guilty for not being home with Kyri and Graysen. And when I'm home with Kyri and Gray we have a lot of fun. And I'm happy to be home, but I once again feel incredibly guilty for not being at the hospital with Tanzi.

I can't help but wonder if these pangs of guilt will ever go away...

I have a pretty good feeling they won't.

The other day I was just holding Tanzi and decided I should sing her some songs. I thought about some of Kyri's and Gray's favorite songs and started singing. One of Graysen's favorite songs I sing to him at nap time is "You Are My Sunshine" so I figured it would be a perfect song to sing to my sleepy baby.

"You are my sunshine

my only sunshine

You make me happy

when skies are gray

You'll never know dear

how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away"

Tanzi was asleep by now, but I thought I would continue with the second verse. However, I didn't make it very far before I broke down. This song never meant what it means now.

"The other night dear

as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

but when I awoke dear

I was mistaken

and I hung my head and cried"

As I'm driving up the hill to Primary Children's I'm reminded of when Gary and I rushed there in the middle of the night, after Tanzi was life flighted there. We didn't know what to expect, as everything was happening so fast. It was dark. It was cold. It was lonely. We tried to get what little sleep we could on the waiting room couches, but morning came so soon. And there we were, waiting, scared, and all alone.

Now this drive seems so normal. Routine.

And when I walk into the hospital now it's not so dark, yet I still feel scared. And lonely. The nurses are nothing but wonderful. Our experience has been only positive. And yet it's hard for me, as a mother, to focus on anything but the negative.

This is not supposed to be our life. This is something that happens to other people. Not us. But as I walk into Tanzi's room I see Megan's mom, Lisa, with a forced smile on her face. She looks tired and sore. Little Megan was born only 2 days after Tanzi and is in more critical condition than Tanzi. This is Lisa's 3rd child too. She still has to go home, at some point, and be a mom to her other children. I know how she feels. Then I notice Emma's mom, Julie. She's talking about the struggle of feeding little Emma, who wears out too quickly to eat what she needs. Emma was born a week before Tanzi...with spina bifida. Even when she goes home, she will always need some special care. Across the room I spot Stephanie, McKenzie's mom. She told me once that she has been here for over 3 1/2 months. I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with McKenzie. Some type of muscle disease. And it doesn't look like she will be going home any time soon. Stephanie is there all the time. She does SO much for her little baby. Probably even more than some of the nurses. And so I scan the room for baby Lilyana's mother. I have only seen her there a couple times. She's not there today. I have never talked to her. I don't even know her name. She looked to me to be only 18 or so. I overheard the nurses talking one day. Lilyana was born in December and the nurse said, "This baby has everything wrong with it that a baby could have!" I don't know exactly what she means by that, but it's obviously not good. I quickly take a look at my angel, lying all snuggled up in her blankets. I pick her up and, while working through a mess of tubes and wires, I take a seat in the rocking chair.

I then take another look around the room and I realize that Lisa, Julie, Stephanie, and even Lilyana's mom never thought this would happen to them. This is not supposed to be their life.

And so I come to grips with the fact that this is my life.